My brain is in a dilemma. Cause I often do what I feel. Whatever I feel I do it that way. When I’m angry , I lose my anger. When I am sad , I just cry. I dun actually have much control cause my emotions often overwhelm me. I just sit quietly and think until I get an answer. But I often act in impulse and make decisions that will hurt others. People say it’s ok to quarrel. But whenever I quarrel with someone , I cannot sleep properly. When i feel something is not right , I worry the whole time. Today , I just wanted to tell u: I miss u , maybe that’s why I just can’t stop doing things cause whatever u do , whatever u tell me I take it very seriously. If u tell me I hate u , maybe I just can’t eat no matter what good food is put in front of me. If u tell me u r sad , I would comfort u. But nowadays maybe u dun want to tell me already. I dunno why , but I just feel angry. I used to hide my emotions when I’m sad just smile. When I’m angry , keep quiet. so in the end I didn’t actually know how to express my feelings. Actually , wth why I write so much when the main point is I just wanted to tell u I miss u n know if u missed me too. It sucks why do I feel so frustated now?I dun understand am I that scary , why are u distancing yourself from me?Why?

There are times when u look at something and realise that u r not part of it. And  u look at it to double check if ur name is written there. You realise that u r really not part of it. You are just like the background person , not part of anything. It feels sad isn’t it? That’s actually how I feel. I just feel like a lie. A lie to others. The lie may not hurt others , the lie doesn’t let others know who I am but the lie actually hurts myself. I am hurt most by the lie. I always tried to deceive myself that I won’t feel sad , I won’t feel hurt , I dun feel pain cause I have never been part of it. But actually the one who hurts most it’s me . But unfortunately it’s silent , silent enough for only myself to hear , silent enough for only myself to feel. Actually , I feel jealous not to be part of it too. Sometimes , I try to avoid feeling negative feelings but even if I run away from it , it doesn’t mean it’s going to disappear somehow. It’s there , it’s always there , just that it is hidden right inside my heart. Even if I smile , it just doesn’t actually match with the true feelings I have inside me. Sometimes , I hate the way i am negative about everything. I hate this part of me. But it doesn’t mean that I can hide from this side of me. But actually what I hate most is that I have no courage to show who I really am for the fear that I’ll be abandoned by others , for fear that this is not what others expect of me. I know I can’t live for others but I still don’t know how to change. I still am not brave enough to stand up and say-this is me , this is me without my mask on.

Today I asked how I was actually like to others. Somehow , it’s not that I am unable to talk to others. It’s just that I dun want to lose someone important to me. I’m afraid of losing this special someone that bothered about how I felt when no one in this world bothered. I just feel very insecure about knowing new people. I just dun want my life to revolve around too many people. I just want to be with those whom I’m familiar with. Cause I am afraid. Maybe I’m afraid of rejection , maybe I’m afraid of changes. Maybe I’m afraid that all these actually bring me hurt. I dun want to be hurt anymore. In fact , I feel that I dunno how to be me already cause I’m too afraid , too afraid of what others will think of me. Too afraid of showing the true me to others. Too afraid to be hurt if I get too close to others. I dunno why but I’m always hurt by people who I truly care for. So I dun want to be hurt anymore. I always try to avoid being hurt. Even when I’m really sad , I try to avoid feeling the pain .Cause it just hurts too much , I just dun want to feel it anymore.

I dunno why I feel uneasy now like I’m slacking a little too much already. Have not been really doing my work well. And I dun really know much about my work and what I’m exactly studying. Makes me feel really uneasy inside. I dun exactly know how to explain this feeling.Maybe cause when I see others studying and me slacking I just get this feeling. Somehow , I’m not exactly in the best mood to study now. I feel worried. What if I can’t reach my goal again? I just get disappointed with myself whenever I feel , like I’ve lost my confidence in myself. I don’t actually feel happy anymore. Cause I keep failing all the time. Actually , that’s not the real reason. The real reason is that I just dun like myself being so negative all the time. Thinking that the glass is always half empty when I could have thought that it is half full and continue persevering. I wonder if it’s because I’m like that that’s why I keep failing.

I just am wondering why I am like that and why I have become like that now. I was thinking how am I actually like to others. I feel that I have become someone who only keeps everything to myself , even if it hurts badly. I only can relate to people I was truly familiar with. It’s like I suddenly feel like I am a cold-hearted girl. Everyday , I dun actually think about the world nor do I observe others. I just care about myself , my feelings , my emotions , how it affects me. I dunno why I feel like I dun wanna give a damn to anything else , I’ve got enough problems to deal with. I dunno when this mentality started. N thinking that I can be more cheerful , less boring , I dun feel confident about it at all. I’m scared. I dun even know what I’m actually feeling cause everything is just so mixed up. If there is a lot of noise outside while I’m typing this , I can totally dun care about it at all. I’m like hmmm passive I guess n sad. If u tell me : care more about other people’s feelings I will answer: How to?I can’t even care about mine already? Yeah , I feel so selfish n I really dunno when I’ve become like that , so cold-hearted and unfeeling already. To tell the truth , I dun dare tell others cause I know how embarrassing it is. Imagine I’m supposed to help make others not sad , but I’m also sad. It’s like , doesn’t make sense , isn’t it? I dunno if I’m wrong now , I dunno what to do next.I’m just clueless. I know one day someone will discover this me , but right now I’m still hiding it. I feel so stupid but that’s all I can do. I’m scared , really scared but I’ve not been telling others how scared I actually feel everyday while holding on to this bluff , superficial me.